Citing a “lack of high stakes” in the House Cup, Mr. Brewer announces losing houses to compete in Aztec death game pok-ta-pok and then be sacrificed to Mictlantecuhtli

By Mason Chase​

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Citing a “lack of high stakes” in the House Cup, Mr. Brewer announces losing houses to compete in Aztec death game pok-ta-pok and then be sacrificed to Mictlantecuhtli.

“I just wanted to make the games more fun,” he explained to reporters at the Thunder Times. “Knowing that you will be brutally sacrificed if you don’t perform well encourages students to be more involved.” 

 

Some school officials agreed with the sentiment of encouraging school spirit, but opposed how this idea was being executed. “I understand what Mr. Brewer is trying to do here,” responded the teacher who chose to remain anonymous and therefore wore a ridiculous mask for his whole interview: “But sacrificing the losers to the gods would most likely mean they cannot participate next year, which would hurt our long-term goals,” he explained. “Instead, we should lock the students of every house together in a huge fortress, or dungeon, or something really cool like that. Something super scary.” 

 

Still, the response from both educators and students has been largely positive. A free and fair opinion poll conducted by the Student Council showed 122 percent of students in favor, with negative 5 percent of students against. We interviewed Hays Wilson, the current Student Body Vice President, to give his thoughts on the matter: “Mitsokchiua yehyekauh xitlakuepa inin!” he shouted, and then he threw himself into the lake. 

 

The response from administration seems sensible and reasonable, although let us not forget ourselves that it came after some difficulties. The last proposal, of making the winning head of house an absolute monarch, resulted in a three-hour long civil war, following his failed attempt to rebrand the school to the “In-The-Door Academy” – citing the fact that most classes “are actually indoors.”

 

Overall, the effects of the new policy have yet to be seen, thanks in small part due to the phenomenon described to the Thunder Times as the fact that “the house cup hasn’t ended yet” — an intriguing revelation, but one which may in fact change.